End - A result; an outcome.

Derek asked what a hipster is...
Joe: It's hard to quantify. Basically you can look at Kyle and know what a hipster is. But even she isn't really a hipster. I mean look at this nerdy shirt she's wearing (This one) there are maybe a handful of people that get that shirt. (This makes no sense cause by reason this makes me even more of a hipster)
Me: People have said I'm a nerd with hipster like tendincies!

It feels like a lot of people are ready to sweep 2010 under the bathroom rug like yesterdays stray hairs. I, on the other hand, loved this year. It held alot of changes for me. Some good and some bad.
Bullet points of the good:
-Best summer ever
-Living in a new house with amazing folks

So to all the new friends I've made. I like you all alot or else I wouldn't talk to you.
To all the friends I lost to the south. I miss you.
To Tina Fey, please be my friend.
To all three readers of this blog. Thanks for indulging me. I love you.


Drag - clothing that is conventionally worn by the opposite sex

Went to my first drag show ever tonight.

I want to be a drag queen.

It embodies every aspect of theatricality I love.


Monster - an imaginary creature usually having various human and animal parts

The game got canceled due to illness. So Nick and I started watching Series 3 of Doctor Who. It's the only one I don't own due to some series Martha hate.

"I'll give series three one thing. They have some good monsters. I actually like 3 alot I just don't like Martha Jones."
"Ah. They're aliens, not monsters."
"Thanks dad."
"I know you're used to fighting monsters tonight. But you need to be more sensitive with your language."


Ham - a cut of meat on an edible mammal's rear

Happy Christmas.
I returned home on Christmas Eve with a quarter of ham and better presents. I went shopping early enough in the day that the crowds didn't make me want to commit seppuku. On the drive home I listen to John Denver and The Muppets. I wrapped presents while watching Clue, a tradition I stole from Amy Witherby. My aunt's boyfriend brought me two packs of Stella and my mom confessed she had one waiting in the fridge for me. They know me too well.

Christmas went off without a hitch. Everyone liked everything. I now have a game system that I can stream Netflix to which will only increase my agoraphobia. I took a long nap and watched a Buffy marathon on some slasher cable channel. I did two baskets of laundry. Knitted until my hands ached. Finished Y: The Last Man. I would escape when things got too loud, dick around on the internet. Played Mario. Stole lots of ham to take home. Read a little.

Around the time I began violently sneezing because of the cats I decided to go home. I ate popcorn. Watched almost two whole seasons of Primeval. Am currently watching Star Wars on cable. For once, it's nice being alone in the house. Usually I get a paranoid feeling when I'm alone in the house, like someone is watching me or out to get me. I've always had this fear, since I was little, that my life will turn into a horror movie.
A creep getting creeped out.


Snippet - A small piece of something

A snippet of actual conversation between my mother and I.

Mom: What are you watching?
Me: A modern retelling of Alice in Wonderland....
Mom: Oh...........Is it British?
Me: No. It was aired on SciFi. But I mean, yes, there are British people in it.
Mom: Ah....Okay. So what's new in Kyle?
Me: Ummmm.. nothing. I was hit in the face with a hammer and rolled a nat 20 arcana....
Mom: *walks away*

I went home too early. That is, I went home early yesterday afternoon, thinking I could occupy myself for many days with cleaning, reading, knitting, cooking, baking. Wrong. It felt like I'd arrived to a movie set too early. So I watched this modern retelling of Alice on my computer. Then I watched it with commentary. Then I found myself feeling very anxious. Then I wanted to go back to my own bed as soon as possible. It was the first time ever I didn't find infinite comfort in my mother's house.

I fell asleep that night on the couch watching Adult Swim and was awoken by my cat every few hours. I then transferred to what is generally considered my 'bedroom' in the house. But it is a creepy bedroom. It once housed a pretty antique bed frame adorned with beautiful ornate carvings. But it was old and the wood frame broke one night while I was, in fact, asleep on it. After my grandparents died, one of their hospital beds replaced it. To be quite honest it freaks me out. I have this dark fantasy that if I sleep there it will malfunction and break me in half. Regardless, I did not sleep but read three sections of Y: The Last Man then decided to head back to Columbus and do some Christmas shopping I had 'forgotten' about.

Strange, I normally feel anxiousness and unease anywhere but my mom's house. In the past I felt as if I could spend days there and just sink into the couch. Today I wanted escape. There is nowhere to escape in Chillicothe, Ohio.


Bodice buster - An erotico-romantic novel or novella based on a historical plot

I want to talk about something that I feel is..at the same time, serious and silly. Fanfiction.

I remember, as a small child, first exploring and delving into the internets. I discovered a top ten list about fanfic. One of the list said, if there is a fandom, there is a fanfiction out there somewhere. Oh how true it turns out to be.

I also remember about eight months ago, a large group of friends (all whom have since moved south) and I went to trivia. During the scatter of drink ordering and pulling enough tables together a friend who had just recently found herself with a lot more time on her hands steals my notebook. The one I use to write down answers so other teams won't hear me trying to whisper the correct answers. She tears a page out of it and writes me a note, it reads: "I spent the whole afternoon reading Joker/Harley Quinn slash fic. TELL NO ONE." Which I guess I am doing now, but I never said who it was. So the secret remains safe.

I can't pinpoint when I started doing this. Reading fanfiction. I'm sure it began as a joke. A way to have a laugh at 3AM when I was fighting my endless battle with insomnia. It only became serious when I suddenly found myself out of college and with a lot more time on my hands. It only became serious when I started a favorites folder.

First off, let me say there is good fanfic and fucking horrible fanfic. Once you weed out the trash though I must say it can be quite enjoyable to read. In most cases (for me) it is a wonderful way to continue on a story that may have been ended to abruptly for me. Firefly is a great example. One season. We got one season and an awesome movie. But Kaylee ends up with Simon? I hated Kaylee and Simon together. It's so Pretty in Pink. I wanted more. I wanted different. I found it. You name it, it's out there. Current television shows. Cancelled ones. Books. Movies. There are even stories involving Greek Gods for crying out loud.

I am a child of instant gratification. I had to go out and buy LOST on dvd when my netflix wouldn't show up for another day because I had to know what happened on that island NOW. I love sitting through four and a half seasons of Moonlighting 'will they won't they' tension. But every now and then I get an itch. I love to get a different take on it, reading 'stolen moments' as they call them.

These things are my modern day bodice buster trashy romance novel. Free and a great way to kill time when I'm by myself in a hotel room and there isn't any good TV on.


Sleep - a naturally recurring state characterized by reduced or lacking consciousness

"You fall in that weird category where you're not exactly a girl and not exactly a dude. You have Liz Lemon like tendencies."
That's either the nicest or most awful thing that's ever been said to me. I can't decide. Not the Liz Lemon part. I liked that part.

I had a terrible day. I woke up and it felt like I hadn't gone to sleep. I felt as if I was sleep walking for 7 or so hours. On my way to work I had this sinking feeling that at any moment I'd pass out and drift into another lane. I then made it to work and realized I forgotten my swipe card and keys. Going about my morning I tried the following things to snap myself out of it.
Watch Beaker videos.
Read the blogs that make me happy.
Deep breathing.
Needless to say none of this works. I felt woozy and sick, my head was spinning and I couldn't concentrate on my directing. Even the scathing wit of Dr. Tate couldn't cure my ails. I decided to take a sick day then ate some food and passed out on the couch. I awoke four hours later, feeling sore, to a blinding white light in my eyes and the sound of a snow shovel on the walk way, which incidentally led to bad dreams.. I went Christmas shopping. I then went to the book store and bought a D&D rules compendium. The line was quite long so I read through it while I waited. Then I got that feeling. Eyes were on me. I slightly turn to see what can only be described as a man. He is like Harold Crick. He is also judging me. The slight crinkle in the forehead, a slightly upturned lip. What right does he have? I wonder what he is thinking. I sneak a look down to see what he is buying. Comic books. I suddenly don't care what he thinks. I'm tired and in no mood.
Really, dude?
He catches me catching him and makes panicked eye contact. I shoot him a nasty look. It's like nerd on nerd crime.


Amalgamation - the process of combining or uniting multiple entities into one form

"Can I ask a nerdy question?"
"It's more a question for the table."
"Go ahead."
"Did you guys read Dragonlance books?"
"I suppose I always had an idea of what they were based in. But really the connection just became apparent to me. I had shelves of those books. I used to go to out of print book stores to find old copies of the villain's series."

Truth time, Dragons of a Summerflame was the first book that really got me into reading, fantasy and otherwise. I read it in fifth grade and never stopped. Well I did, after the War of Souls series came out I just lost interest. Who were these new characters? I wanted my Tanis Half Elven back. They have been sitting, forgotten in a box for many years now. I have this dread feeling that they may have been sold. It's bittersweet since now I would love to go back to them after retroactively playing D&D.

Those stories were a definite gateway drug into my current nerdiness. I had a school girl crush on Raistlin Majere, which is weird to think of now. It may have had something to do with the darkness and light themes presented throughout. Forbidden feelings and all that crap. I think if I were to re-read them today I might be more of a Tanis girl.

Meet cute dream I had:
I am on a committee for a party at work. Its for writers, filmmakers, and other artists. So of course, we plan a Star Wars themed party. Classy as hell, it has AT-AT ice sculptures. Edible versions of various puppets throughout the film. Jawa waiters.
During the planning and running around I meet some of the writers attending that evening. One gives me his novel to read and I place it in my bag. None of them are memorable.
At the last minute I'm told I'll need to run to the bookstore. It seems no one remembered to grab stacks of books for the signing that night.
Smash cut to me running through a mall. My cat Magillicutty is running along side me (obviously) as I dodge people, jump over moving sidewalks, and duck into a comically large bookstore. As I run in I directly smash into someone, the contents of my bag spilling everywhere. The person I smacked into picks up the book I was given earlier and it turns out to be the very same writer. He takes my hand to help me up and I can finally see his face. Most people in my dreams have that vacuous store mannequin face. He is an amalgamation of possibly every attractive thing I have ever seen in a male. Bright eyes. Smiling. Smells like soap. Shortish ski slope hair. Argyle. Glasses. I'm sure he's wearing a bow tie or suspenders but I can't recall. His hand feels firm in mine. His thumb begins to trace small circles on the pad that connects my thumb and forefinger. He also doesn't let go of my hand as we continue to talk.
Then I open my eyes and realize I've overslept by an hour. Shit.


Cookies - a small, flat-baked treat, usually containing fat, flour, eggs and sugar.

I've been up since 9AM and am about to start my fifth batch of cookies. (As of 3PM) So far I've made Snickerdoodles and now I'm experimenting with chocolate chip butterscotch cookies. I can't stop. I've literally been listening to The Nerdist podcast all morning and keep making cookies from scratch.

I think it's a make up from being a laze all day yesterday. Getting up out of bed just to move to the couch; wear an ugly sweater and watch Battlestar Galactica and Wizard People. I think I just ate cheese its, sour patch kids, and cherry cola yesterday.

Some sort of mini blizzard came through today. I like to believe seasonal depression isn't a real thing, but today may change my mind. I had to force myself to leave the house and go to the store; I feel like an agoraphobic. The past week on the road I felt like I was one snide comment away from bursting into sobs. I can't pinpoint the trigger though. It's just as if this slight overcast is following me around constantly.

But let me nerd out on BSG for a bit. I just started watching it with a group of new friends that I watch True Blood with on Sundays. Once that season ended we started BSG. And now I can't stop. I also can't stop myself from looking at the wikipedia page online. I've already spoiled so much for myself like I did with Buffy but my ADD can't help itself. Although even with knowing who is a Cylon and pretty much what happens in the end, I'm still really enjoying the show and most of the time am on the edge of my seat. I've always been into great character stories regardless of genre. Pedistrain stories are a dime a dozen and I think the fantastical aspect of stories in the fantasty and scifi genre have been what's kept me coming back year after year. I'm almost done with season 1 and so far I love it. The idea of this huge fleet, yet you never see real sunlight or get to leave this enormous ship. I'm excited to watch the whole series. Even if it does put a damper on my social life.


Pessimistic - expecting the worst possible outcome

Ugh. I just read a facetious account of unemployment on a blog. Yes, it was written for laughs but jesus....I don't ever want to be that person. Living off of credit and surviving job to job as a 'starving arist.'

I love what I studied. I studied what I wanted to. Theatre. Design. Acting. Sure, now I realize I will never get anywhere real with an undergrad in arts. But shit, at least I was happy doing it, right? I can't say enough how happy I am to have a 'real job' doing something I love.

Last week I ran into an old college professor. She is insane and I love her. In between her hugging me and telling me how 'trendy' I looked in my old coat she asked what I was up to in this certain voice. I know this voice, it's how theatre people ask each other about their job status, somewhat tense, hoping for good news, but deep, deep down expecting to hear something like, "I'm still a waiter at the Denny's." Happily for me and possibly her, this is not one of those cases. I give her a brief discription, she lights up and replies, "OH! So you perform for a living!" Relief washes over her face. I come to realize she has been professoring for what must be over twenty years at this point. How many stories has she heard? The pessimist inside me says a lot more sad than good ones.


Snow- Frozen precipitation in the form of white ice crystals that fall in soft, white flakes.

Light reflecting off the snow outside my window forces me to sleep in less than I'd like to.

I woke up with this sudden craving for Wendy's, probably because I was watching The Waitress is getting married; yeah that's gross. I also have this urge to walk there in the snow. But I think the Wendy's is at least a mile away and my food would most certainly be cold before I returned home. Now, suddenly I'm remembering two years ago.

It was when the blizzard came through. Rachel and I decided to stay at her pre-fiance Steve's apartment. His heat was better and cheaper. He also had a nicer TV. Sometime around Saturday night when the streets still hadn't been plowed, I realized I was out of asthma medicine. Steve's cat Chewbacca wasn't helping my breathing, so I called in a prescription to the drug store across Kenny Road. Then Rachel ventured with me to retrieve my medicine.

The road looked like this: smooth undisturbed snow with two very deep tire tracks running up either side of the usually busy roadway. Few brave people are in their cars facing this level two mess so we should be able to cross the road without much incident. As we begin, we do see a car down the way that hasn't even crossed Henderson Road, we have plenty of time. We cross the south bound side of the road without incident, commenting on how nice everything will look until the plow trucks come through and snow eventually will turn brown and dirty. Rachel bounds over the north bound side like a rabbit. She has lived here her entire life and is used to dealing with this expulsion of the sky. As I begin my crossing, I take a misstep and place my foot within one of the deep tire tracks that is now slick and covered in ice.

I fall like a Hanna Barbera character, legs up in the air, ending up with my face in the snow and my ass presented to the night sky. The car is now crossing Henderson Road. Ah, shit.

I try to right myself but now cannot get out of the deep tracks. I keep slipping. I can't even get to my knees. At this point I begin to actually get a bit scared. I am wearing dark clothes and I'm not sure if this car will see me. When I get scared I begin to laugh. I also am laughing because this is pretty silly, sliding around in an icy divot.

 I scream and laugh, "Code Red! Code Red! Abort!" Rachel unleashes a fake girlie scream and comes back out into the snow covered street to help me up. As she gets me up we both begin to slip and legitimately scream together as a light bulb appears over my head and I yell, "Do a barrel roll!" We both roll out of the road and next to our current abandoned townhouse's welcome sign, a rock. It says Hearthstone.

We are catching our breath. Well, Rachel is. I'm having an Asthma attack. We look down the street and see the car that was supposed to ultimately lead to our doom hasn't made much progress in the snow. We get to laughing again and once my breathing is under a semblance of control, we continue our quest for Albuterol.

I think I'll drive to Wendy's.


Undisclosed - not made known

I always have strange dreams around the time weather turns cold. For instance, last night I dreamt I was snorting cocaine while PAing for a Canadian news channel. During the night the scenarios constantly shift and meld into each other. Then for some reason it's a bunch of twenty somethings watching a Pokemon movie in a 200 seat theatre. Not an empty seat in the house. I'm about to leave when I'm pulled on to the lap of a man whose lap I honestly don't mind sitting on.

I enjoy human contact. But whenever someone else touches me I still get jumpy and embarrassed.

The movie turns out to be epically boring and everyone begins to nod off, including me and this boy. Absentmindedly he begins to ghost his hands over my arms. Up. Down. Up. Circle. Down.

It's nice. I feel at ease. I wish I could be this relaxed in real life.


Happiness - state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.

This morning in another autopsy program...
"Today's Sesame Street is brought to you by the letter Y, for Y-incision."
*cue me laughing un-professionally off camera again*
I swear, it's like he does this on purpose.

While filling out paperwork this morning, the fact that the year is almost over fully hit me. I'm really happy with how this year is turning out. I love the friends I've made. I love the house I live in. I love my roomates. I had one of the greatest summers of my life. My job is awesome. I feel so stupidly happy and laugh constantly. The pessimist in me feels like I should be knocking on wood every five minutes.

Then, the times where I start to get down, I just think: "At least I don't have this job."