I've got a

Things I'm excited about right now:
The song Brand New Key by Melanie
Kaylee costume
The Community Halloween episode
Amy Witherby being in town this weekend
Halloween in general
Elaine and Bryan's wedding
Rachel coming home for Elaine and Bryan's wedding

Things I'm not excited about right now:
Waking up at 6:30am
A fading crush
Adults laughing at my college degree choice
This impending Asthma attack
EG for Hire moving away (Even though I'm super excited for her)



For my mother's birthday luncheon we decide to keep it simple and eat burgers from her favorite place. Chillicothe, OH is great for people watching and we both love to do it. So observation time...

An old couple come in with a daughter or possibly a caretaker. My back is to the door so I see them in the following order; the old man walks by first, he is wearing a panama hat and by the looks of his pants he heard we'd be having some flash flooding later today. He also wears a snappy Members Only jacket that's color can only be described as a glorious sea foam green. The sort of green that you see on a website and it makes your eyes hurt. My astigmatism is screaming. Then it only gets better, his cute little wife walks in wear pants THE EXACT SAME COLOR as her husbands jacket. Was this planned? I don't want it to be, I want them to both come out of their separate walk in closets, see one another, have a laugh then say 'Fuck it' and go have some hamburgers, looking like they stole a piece of clothing from each other.

At a different table to my left there are two ladies enjoying a meal, dressed normally. Then this woman joins the table, her outfit is something to behold. A sort of royal blue sweatshirt with matching pants and some striped pink layer barfing out of the bottom of her sweatshirt. Her hair is contained in some blue netting that causes her hair to look like a flower pot. She looks like an escaped citizen of Whoville.
But this isn't the strangest part. Her shoes. The shoes!
They are a sandaled wedge with a fat strap that cover the frontal part of her foot. But this isn't even the best part because they're clear. Clear and plastic, like something a stripper would wear. You can see straight through the wedge and through the fat strap to her feet. At least I could if I could see her feet, I can't because they are currently covered in argyle socks. Wait, what?
Why these shoes with this outfit? More importantly why is she wearing socks with these shoes? These shoes a barely appropriate in the workplace setting unless you are in gentleman's entertainment but then she confuses even more by adding socks only old men and hipsters wear. While getting dressed today maybe she thought, "This outfit isn't fashionable enough. I need something to spice it-OH! I have it, clear heels! But it is quite chilly out today, I'd better be on the safe side and add a pair of socks."

I suddenly look down at my own outfit; a wrinkly blue striped oxford, a pair of hipster shorts, completed with a pair of loafers, no socks. Plus on top of it all I haven't washed my hair today so currently I am wearing a giant tan knit cap. I'm sure all three of those people are judging me too.



My mom turned 57 five hours ago.
During a small celebration of bad (and I do mean bad) Mexican food and squat little beers with limes wedged into them, she askes me about D&D and I talk to her about other meaningless crap in my life.

I try and force a moment between us saying that if things had been different and I'd been stuck without her, my life would have been drastically different. I'm sure I'd have gone the rebellious teen route and probably still be stuck working at the movie theatre in Clariemont Square. Not sure what came over me but I did watch Kramer vs. Kramer that afternoon so I'll blame that. I could just come out and simply say it only dawns on me now how tough it must have been for her, being a single parent.
Having zero help.

Instead I go for this alt universe crap. But I don't want to make a scene in the brightly lit restaurant so I'll blame that. She's good at sniffing out these false movie-esque moments I attempt to create and has become skilled at redirecting the conversation to more neutral ground.
"What was it you always used to eat whenever we'd get Mexican?"
"Cheese Quesadillas."
"Yeah and sprites with lot of cherries in em."
"But no Grenadine cause that's nasty. You would always get a margarita on the rocks, no salt. Then I'd only eat shrimp for seafood and no hot dogs but I would eat hot dog buns with ketchup."
"Then every Thrusday night we'd go get pizza, you'd sign checks and I'd rescue scared kids from the slide."

I was supposed to take her to Chicago for a taping of Wait Wait Don't Tell Me! but tickets ran out. Instead we've been watching movies and just hanging out, which is still wonderful. We sit in her bed and watch All About Eve and we discuss stupid meaningless shit, then I can't sleep because the stupid cat keeps getting in my way.

Even now as I type this she rushes in at 5 am to turn on an old movie, Night of Lepus, about bunnies terrorizing Arizona.
Oh my God it is awesome.



When I told my mom:
I took my mom to Aladdin's eatery one weekend for lunch.
Me: So I want to tell you something before you hear it from someone else like Rachel or something..
*Mom looks nervous*
Me: I've started playing DnD....Dungeons and Dragons.
Mom: Pshaw...okay, *her eyes cast down and to the left* nerd.
Me: *laughing* What!?
Mom: God you are such a dork. I thought you were pregnant! Honestly, I'm not surprised, I was shocked you, David, and Yvonne didn't start playing with Jim in San Diego...
Me: Shut up.


You're really growing on me

I'm sitting in my car at a red light.
The Darkness is blaring out of my speakers. Recently rediscovered dusty and sadly miss used in boxes containing what is left of my teenage years.
I still remember every word. I remember 4am in the throes of battle with my insomnia, first seeing the video on television.
I'm jealous of how he can hit notes I can only reach toward. I begin to tap my fingers, my left foot, wiggle my shoulders, dancing like a white guy on 80's night. I lift my arms up and begin to toss my hair from side to side, a new sensory experience cause my hair has never been this long.
A honk blares out and I'm thrown back into present, my hair is mussed, I see a hipster in the car behind me looking angry, the light has turned green.


Me: I have a killer headache after an epic DnD night. Then I made a poor choice and ate Taco Bell.
Amani: lol!
Me: we fought angels. so cool.
Amani: you are such a nerd
Me: proud of it
Amani: i know you are

More good news at this early hour. I won a major award! A contest over at EG for Hire for the ideal job. My entry:

We here at (insert trendy name) industries are searching for what some might call that special someone, and we hope it’s you. Your job responsibilities would include daily scouring of YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, and Today’s Big Thing, in search of that next big thing. Time would also be spent compiling history and origins of internet phenomena (i.e.: Ebaumsworld) for articles and the like. Occasional acting in internet content is required of all employees in tandem with developing new content for the masses to enjoy. Each week would include daily meetings (screenings) reviewing the latest TV shows, movies, music, books, and developments in RPGA’s. Some weekend days are required to attend concerts and comic conventions, all travel and food will be compensated. In lieu of applications, please send in YouTube videos featuring you in an eating contest.

I will use my prize of candy only for good.
I tried to make some honey snickerdoodle cookies tonight. They tasted good but aesthetically were a disaster. The honey solidified to the pan and looked like a melted flan creature from a Final Fantasy game.
I have the next three days off of work, a mental health holiday if you will. I'm going to finish my Halloween costume and sit in coffee shops and kill time. It will be wonderful.



Proud moments of the day: Joe bought an awesome shirt from TeeFury (to summarize, it's a bomb that is made up of several smaller bombs from movies and pop culture) and Derek and I spent some time examining the shirt to figure out what each was from which happened pretty quickly as it's a very geeky shirt. At some point I turned back to my computer to work on something, a minute later Derek and Joe were stuck on one. I turn back around and glance at it,
"'You are one ugly mutherfucker.' It's Predator."
"Hey, you're right! Nice call, Kyle!" cue the high five.
Looks like all nights of shunning social interaction finally paid off.

After our meeting the entire team goes out to lunch together, as Mondays are a rare time we are all together. During said lunch, I begin to tell a story to Chris about an epic DnD session last week. Jonathan, whom I love dearly, begins to speak in typical 'nerd voice' and pantomiming pushing glasses up his nose. Chris and I  simultaneously and unexpectedly release the nerd rage we've been bottling up since seventh grade and simultaneously shout, "Fuck you! It's awesome! Play it and ONLY THEN can you make fun of it." It's a proud brotherhood moment.


Nightmare Before Christmas

Along with those princess quotes last week, Brandon had another gem regarding Nightmare Before Christmas.

Brandon- "If you stay quiet and admire from afar, he'll notice you eventually."


Rainn Wilson

A thing I hate about hotel rooms: I can't open windows to listen to the rain. It's kind of depressing because I sleep ridiculously well when it rains.

I opened the curtains to watch the lightning but to any outside party it most likely looks like I'm leering into the window of the Chuck E. Cheese next door. That's too creepy, even for me. I'm going to close the curtains.


Stockholm syndrome

This happened awhile ago, but I assume my brain has just been repressing it for a week now.

Last week we had a family dinner. Family being all the roommates and Brandon (practically a fifth roomie). We walked to the Indian place and ate frakkin delicious food. Amongst a mass of Monty Python/Community/Venture brothers quotes between Casey, Brandon, and me (sorry Parv and Nick), we started discussing princesses when Casey commented he though it was messed up that all other princesses got everything they could dream of, but Tiana in Princess and the Frog still had to work for a living. This transferred into how Disney movies send poor messages, then over the next five or so minutes Brandon managed to breakdown every princess movie in the lexicon.

I will paraphrase and take great liberties here:

Little Mermaid- Don't talk and change who you are. Guys will like you.
(Old hat)
Beauty and the Beast- Guys can look strange and still be awesome but with girls all that matters is looks. Also girls who read are weird.
(My favorite Disney movie.. it always hurts to hear this)
Snow White- Can't remember what he said.
(Probably cause I don't care for Snow White)
Cinderella- All about the class system. If she didn't have that gown she'd never gotten in and they'd have never fallen in LURVE.
Jasmine- Actually pretty cool.
(She is)
Mulan- Just be one of the dudes.
(I felt he was stretching with this one)
Sleeping Beauty- Date rape is a-okay.
And a PS...
Beauty and the Beast - A case for Stockholm syndrome.
(This I actually agree with, at least in the original story)

This was mostly said for humorous ends (it got me laughing). Though now, I've got to thinking more about this subject. I've heard various podcasts, family members, and general internet population bring this up, how Disney princesses shouldn't be role models. I agree, Disney princesses shouldn't be role models, they're cartoons, created to entertain us. It annoys me how people think a cartoon or movie can shape who a person is going to be. Beauty and the Beast is my favorite Disney movie and what I took from it was it's okay to read and how first impressions aren't always right. Little Mermaid is Rachel's favorite Disney movie and she is never one to shy away from her opinions or stating exactly how she feels.
Tons of things go into what makes a person a person. Parents, school, books, friendships, life experiences. One movie shouldn't affect an entire persons persona, it's only entertainment! It's like people who commit murders then blame tv shows for their actions. There are deeper seeded issues here. Not just what Showtime and HBO show on Sunday evenings.
I've kinda written myself into a corner here, so I'll just end on a Tracy Jordan quote.
"I don’t want to go off on a rant here!"


The battle of wits has begun

When I was in college, one of the kids in my department had a very similar name to me: Kyler. This was too close for comfort, who did he think he was? Having a name someone else chose for him so close to mine, he had to be stopped. I don't remember who moved first but ever since my junior year, we two have been engaged in a fierce battle. This has materialized in glaring contests, Suzuki and Viewpoint battles, and general venom spat in each others direction.

A time of peace settled over the war ground after Kyler got a chance to kill me in a Sketch By Number show (You'll have to forgive my terrible acting here). But today the battle hath begun again. This blog being posted started the whole thing. The following occurred on facebook chat between the hours of 10:35 and 10:40.

Me: Your so nice to me
Kyler: You thought this was over, but really it was just a ploy to hit you while you're vulnerable
Me: It was never over Kyler. It will never be over.
One day, you'll forget to look over your shoulder
and when that day comes....
I'll probably be in a coffe shop reading.
and learning to spell
Kyler: That's right. And I'll be at that coffee shop putting poison in your latte
Me: Nice try. I don't drink lattes.
Kyler: mocha
Me: I only drink coffee; that I grind with my bare hands. Like Chuck Norris.
Kyler: badass
Me: You know it
Kyler: Just wait, your time will come
Me: We'll see....we will see.
Kyler: fine!
*Kyler has signed off*

I will end him.

Becon of professionalism

Part of the work I do involves directing videoconferencing programming. It's a lot more interesting than it sounds. One of the programs we present involves a retired prosector guiding students through the procedure of an autopsy. Nothing speaks of my professionalism more than the middle of our show today when we get around to questions.

Student: What do you do with the organs once you slice them up?
Doctor: Well that all depends on if you have a good Chianti or not.
Me: *Burst out laughing behind the sound board*

The students hear me laughing over the system, they in turn begin to laugh. I throw the doctor off track for a second, then we continue on.

And the answer to why I'll never be a live TV director is....


Rip it up

I'm starting to think I should change the name of this blog to: Nerdy Things Joe Says.

So Joe and I are working and I see a new wallpaper on his desktop. This wallpaper:
I take it in. Appreciate it. Then I remark, "That's very pretty....what is it?" Joe replies, "The LHC." then turns to face me. I raise an eyebrow, "Huh?"

At this, Joe begins to shake his head gravely, then pantomimes taking something off my shoulder and begins to rip this invisible thing up.
"What is that?"
"I'm ripping up your nerd card."
"The large hadron collider, Kyle! Come'on!"
"I still don't-"
"The valentines day ep of Big Bang where Sheldon wants to go?" I've recently gotten him into TBBT.
I must still have a blank look on my face, because he continues to shake his head from side to side, judging me, as he always does.



The Segway we use is broken. Joe took it in to get fixed. We have just spent the last twenty minutes playing with a glorified light box trying to figure why the light it still turning on when you don't complete the circuit. Jordan has to go pick up the Segway tomorrow and he asks Joe for the number to the Segway store. After Joe gives it, as we are waiting for the elevator to go back to our desks, something bursts out of him quickly, like a child rushing in the door excited to tell you about their day.

"You know I really want to call the Segway store one day and when they say 'Hello' just say, 'Yes. I'm in the middle of an awkward conversation can you help me out of it?'

I stare at him, dumbfounded, for what feels like hours. Then I just begin to laugh, snort, and giggle and I shuffle in for a hug that just ends up being around his torso, because Joe is eleven feet tall, it's like being a little girl again and hugging your mothers leg, it's the only way I can think of to show how much I appreciate this, and I say, 'God that was so nerdy.'


Truman Show

*Snippet of an actual conversation between EG for Hire and myself*
Me: Have you ever seen The Truman Show?
EG: Yes.
Me: Ever think your in it?
EG: *promptly answering* Sometimes!
Me: Thank God.
EG: Like when I'm driving and an appropriate song for the situation comes on...
Me: When I was in the Cleve this week I had this desk clerk that I interacted with a few times because I had to change rooms.
EG: What was wrong with the room?
Me: It was locked from the inside, so either it was still occupied or there was probably a dead body in there. But he was just a normal guy. Kinda short, round face, flat hair, had a beard. Very gentle looking.
EG: Nice description.
Me: Thanks. So that happened, then yesterday I went to the corner market, you know the one on northwest with the big sign that points to food and beer?
EG: Yes!
Me: I walk in there last night, and it's the same exact guy! And the first thought that pops into my mind is, "Was he recast?"
EG: Awwww!

I love talking to this girl because she is always on board and knows exactly where I'm coming from. We also both check behind shower curtains in strange bathrooms to make sure nobody is in there.

After this conversation we went to a lovely bridal shower for our friend Elaine. Then when I got home, Nick showed off his POG collection and tried to give me an OSU slanket (Ohhh, can't wait to get the flu so I can use this) which I politely declined (Get that thing out of my room! This is a clean space!) as Casey tried on new clothing and likened himself to the 12th Doctor. I giggled. Nick looked disturbed he understood what we were talking about.


Ever since I graduated, every time I go to a theatre party I end up feeling incredibly old. Half the kids who walk through the door look like they're thirteen, young to a point that the first thing I think when I lay eyes upon them isn't 'Should they be drinking,' but more, 'Shouldn't they be in bed? Or at Trumpet practice? Or a rec center lock in?'

While in the kitchen talking to a person I did not want to be talking to my nerdar went off. I love to seek these conversations out and I desperately wanted out of this current conversation. I walk to a closed bedroom that in a very Cheech and Chong like manner billows out smoke as soon as I open the door. I hate going into these rooms, it's like smoking with a gas mask on. As soon as I go home I know I will have to strip down and throw everything I'm wearing into the washer. For the next week when I take showers a cloud of stale smoke that has been silently waiting in my hair will be released no matter how many time I wash it. But what I hear and see inside is too good to miss, so I check for traps and I go in.

In the smoke room, where I do not partake, I ask a girl if she's finished the Death of Superman series her and I had discussed earlier that month when a bitter argument over Marvel vs. DC erupts. Names like Peter Parker are thrown aside and stepped on as garbage. Someone is casually pissing on Bruce Wayne's face in the corner. It's ugly, it's brutal, and for a minute friendships look as if they are about end. People are standing up in the heat of the moment and literally yelling in each others faces. The tension is so thick you could cut it with a machete, "I was always more of an Aquaman girl." I propose out of the blue. A mighty yell is heard and the entire room comes together to turn on me and begin another argument that I don't really care about. I said it to cause more controversy and redirect the conversation. In my head, I've saved millions. The girl whom I was originally talking to about Superman looks at me sweetly and we silently hold hands. It's a nice moment.



Even though a spring might pop out of my mattress at any moment and my sheets desperately need changed I never sleep better than my first night back. Although lately and mysteriously after three or four am outside of my windows it smells like a sewage plant, in a sick way I kind of missed it.
I'm home. So glad to be home.

The only downside is I'm up now cause I passed out at nine last night.